This morning as I got dressed for the day I couldn’t help but notice how long my nails were.
I took a moment to just stare at them. And in that moment I felt incredibly proud of myself.
I know this probably sounds like I’ve lost the plot, but hear me out.
Up until around the age of 18 I bit my nails. I bit them so short that they would bleed and would feel so sore. I often wrapped my nails in plasters because it was painful to have them exposed.
Not only did my fingers hurt, they also looked awful and I was embarrassed by them. I would pull my school jumper over my hands to hide them because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But people would notice my nails and would often comment on how terrible they looked.
I didn’t want my nails to look like that. I certainly didn’t want the pain. But it was a nervous habit I had had for as long as I could remember and I was biting them subconsciously. I was an anxious child and this is how I coped.
I remember the day before I was due to have an operation when I was around 13, my mum was telling me how it was ok to feel anxious and I specifically remember her saying “Today you’ll bite your nails more, I’ll smoke more and you’re dad will drink more.”. These were our coping mechanisms.
I tried various things to try and curb my bad habit. Most notably, I tried that nail polish that tastes horrible when you put your fingers in your mouth, but within a few hours I was use to the taste and I carried on biting my nails regardless.
One technique that did actual help was buying myself expensive nail polish. I wanted to be able to use beautiful nail polishes, but it wasn’t worth using them on tatty nails.
In the end I think it was shame that forced me out of the habit. I turned 18 and had plans to go to university. I knew I was going to be meeting lots of new people, and I was terrified of them judging me based on my awful nails.
I also had a part-time job in a shop where I often had to open boxes and packaging to showcase products to customers, and I always struggled because I had no nails to pick off the tape.
I have a very specific memory of a customer whipping out a pocket knife to help me open a box because I was struggling without nails. I know, I know; it was terrifying, and if another member of staff had seen I think they would have called the police. But in that moment I wasn’t worried about the complete stranger pulling out a knife; all I could think about was my crappy nails.
Anyway, I was 18 when I really ramped up my efforts to stop biting my nails and it was bloody hard! You see, when you’re nails have been in such a state for such as long time it’s incredibly hard to grow new nails. They were breaking left, right and centre. Every time I thought I was making progress, a nail would break and I’d feel like I’d failed.
I had good days and bad days. On days when I kept myself distracted I wouldn’t bite my nails at all, but on some days when I felt particularly anxious I’d undo all my hard work.
As the condition of my nails started to improve I felt more motivated to stop biting them. I could actually see the progress for myself and the people around me could see the progress I was making too. This is what kept me going.
Finally I was able to use beautiful nail polishes on my nails and I no longer felt the need to keep my nails hidden. It had been a long time coming, but I’d done it!
And it was only today, when I noticed my nails as I was getting dressed, that I actually took a moment to feel proud of myself for what I had achieved. I’d had a horrible habit for the majority of my life and I’d managed to give it up.
I have no admit though, I’m not perfect, and I do still occasionally bite my nails if I’m going through a particularly anxious time. But on the whole, my nails are 100% better than they were over a decade ago. They look amazing, and I honestly feel so proud of myself.
I do consider giving up biting my nails to be one of my biggest achievements in life. It seems silly in comparison to my other achievements, like getting a degree and buying a house, but it took a lot of work and determination. I had a goal and I achieved it.
So let this be a reminder to you; it’s easy to overlook our achievements in life, whether they’re big or small. It’s important to take time to reflect on what we’ve accomplished in our lives on a regular basis and remind ourselves just how amazing we truly are.
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